There are days I am fed up...plain tired..tired of all the demands...tired of all the To Do's..tired of the balancing act..going deeper still...I am tired of being kind and nice when it hurts to be that way..tired of forgiving when I don't feel like it.. Tired of loving when some just don't deserve it. There are days I just want to give up..want to stop being kind, stop being nice..stop being forgiving..stop loving altogether.. Have you ever felt that way ?
i find myself wondering whether God made a big mistake of leaving me behind on earth to face all this music after my salvation...wish being 'born again' meant opening my eyes in heaven the next moment...wish the journey upward wouldn't take so long and wouldn't be so hard... Unlike John Bunyans pilgrim, I battle "everyday" with anger, pride and so many more and hardly see progress. If only the battle weren't more with myself than others...
What does Gods word have for me ? God says,"His Grace is sufficient for me ..His strength is made perfect in all my weakness..I am being transformed into the image of the likeness of Jesus.." I feel like I am in the fire..the Refiner
's fire. Oooh !! It hurts me with a capital 'O' !! The flames aren't warm n cozy, they're HOT !! I squirm..I avoid the heat as best as I can..
Life lessons hurt to be learnt...oh to be yielded and still always..Oft times I find myself dodging the hurts and pains that come my way.. I am reminded of Dr. Paul Brand who said something to the effect that we need to be thankful for the gift of pain.. It reminds me I don't have a halo over my head.. I am human, alive and kicking alrite!!
Disappointment, discouragement, fear, anger and many more emotions crowd my everyday life. No different from father Abraham, brother Joseph,lil boy David,lone boy Daniel or friends in flames,Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. Yet through it all God remains unchanging, ever loving, forever caring...
Many a time I wish I could clear the 'Exam' at one shot. I am sure you know about those Exams - the tests on pride or anger or bitterness or unforgiveness or fear or whatever your weakness be .. Though i wish there were only one exam ..God does things differently..He does it like we have it in school..different grades on each subject..right from kindergarten to professional degree..He first takes me step by step through the lessons on anger...then when I have cleared the kindergarten tests on anger, I get promoted to grade 1 lessons on anger and then face the grade 1 test for anger ..if I flunk I get to repeat another syllabus on anger for the same grade, God can't be fooled you see..I can't cheat in the exam :-(
To be honest i have flunked some tests more times than i care to admit..One good thing though, God hasn't thrown me out of school and he doesn't reveal my grade level to anyone else. People may see the results..Yet God remains patient and believes I will clear with flying colors someday.
And though I don't see that day anywhere near... Gods faith in me, his hope that I will graduate, his eternal love for me, pick me up and set me on my feet to run this race again !!
Oh Leena.. my heart's cry exactly!!! Especially after a major downfall.. Still trying to pick up the pieces and not let it drag me down further...I hate to give up and accept defeat.... that's the one that dragged me down in the first place... and that's the one that helps me forward now too...
ReplyDeleteSarah, God knows how much we can bear and just when we are ready to give in or give up, He cares far more than we can think or imagine...he understands our personality and disposition better than we know ourselves.. Our very weakness he is able to turn into strength when we depend on him ! Hold fast to him and even when u can't hold on, no worries, after all it is he who holds you near and dear to himself....
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comforting words, Leena... Ur words are like Streams in the Desert!! Keep writing...
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