Test of Pain !!

There are days I am fed up...plain tired..tired of all the demands...tired of all the To Do's..tired of the balancing act..going deeper still...I am tired of being kind and nice when it hurts to be that way..tired of forgiving when I don't feel like it.. Tired of loving when some just don't deserve it. There are days I just want to give up..want to stop being kind, stop being nice..stop being forgiving..stop loving altogether.. Have you ever felt that way ?

i find myself wondering whether God made a big mistake of leaving me behind on earth to face all this music after my salvation...wish being 'born again' meant opening my eyes in heaven the next moment...wish the journey upward wouldn't take so long and wouldn't be so hard... Unlike John Bunyans pilgrim, I battle "everyday" with anger, pride and so many more and hardly see progress. If only the battle weren't more with myself than others...
What does Gods word have for me ? God says,"His Grace is sufficient for me ..His strength is made perfect in all my weakness..I am being transformed into the image of the likeness of Jesus.." I feel like I am in the fire..the Refiner
's fire. Oooh !! It hurts me with a capital 'O' !! The flames aren't warm n cozy, they're HOT !! I squirm..I avoid the heat as best as I can..

Life lessons hurt to be learnt...oh to be yielded and still always..Oft times I find myself dodging the hurts and pains that come my way.. I am reminded of Dr. Paul Brand who said something to the effect that we need to be thankful for the gift of pain.. It reminds me I don't have a halo over my head.. I am human, alive and kicking alrite!!
Disappointment, discouragement, fear, anger and many more emotions crowd my everyday life. No different from father Abraham, brother Joseph,lil boy David,lone boy Daniel or friends in flames,Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. Yet through it all God remains unchanging, ever loving, forever caring...

Many a time I wish I could clear the 'Exam' at one shot. I am sure you know about those Exams - the tests on pride or anger or bitterness or unforgiveness or fear or whatever your weakness be .. Though i wish there were only one exam ..God does things differently..He does it like we have it in school..different grades on each subject..right from kindergarten to professional degree..He first takes me step by step through the lessons on anger...then when I have cleared the kindergarten tests on anger, I get promoted to grade 1 lessons on anger and then face the grade 1 test for anger ..if I flunk I get to repeat another syllabus on anger for the same grade, God can't be fooled you see..I can't cheat in the exam :-(
To be honest i have flunked some tests more times than i care to admit..One good thing though, God hasn't thrown me out of school and he doesn't reveal my grade level to anyone else. People may see the results..Yet God remains patient and believes I will clear with flying colors someday.
And though I don't see that day anywhere near... Gods faith in me, his hope that I will graduate, his eternal love for me, pick me up and set me on my feet to run this race again !!

Planned, Unique and Special !

My Inspiration for this post - Baby Naythan (second son of Sony and Tejyana Mathew). Thats our first view of him when his maternal grandmom carried him out.

These are days of fancy houses and fancier cars...

My trip to one such villa began thus - the gates have remote sensors that recognize your car and swing open/shut. The doorbell is a camera screen and your live video image can be viewed from within the confines of the house. Take a step into any room and the lighting senses your entry/exit, presence/absence and same goes for the air conditioning as well. You walk in and the lights go on, the room gets cooler, soft music fills the air -everything designed to take your breath away. The structural and electrical engineering details entailed in a house construction are truly amazing. The rampant advances in remote sensors and touch screen technology makes ‘my’ life seem like in the B.T (before technology) era.

The concept for any house is conceived in the heart and mind of the owner and/or builder. Elaborate plans are made right from foundation to every corner details. You don't have any doubt that houses are planned, do you? That's a dumb question! Of course, we all know that houses have originated from building plans! If in doubt, ask any architect/builder/owner or for that matter anyone with common sense.

Why did I ask whether you thought houses were planned? Well, you know how it is these days. Imagination runs wild and along with it does belief! It’s good in some ways. But just imagine a house coming up by itself. One fine day at a particular spot, the bricks lay themselves one on top of the other, cement splatters itself on walls, the roof falls right on spot and paintbrushes sway to a painting rhythm! By virtue of such imagination, I could be the owner of a dozen houses!!

Again for wild imaginations sake, why would you think there were plans for this universe? Isn’t it easier to assume that everything just flung from space into place? You know what they say about creation right? Galaxy’s and stars swinging and flinging themselves with a mind of their own....Planets dancing a jig right into orbit....The sun flashing itself into existence and the moon, one round cheesecake that decided to stick around the earth. Further still, the oceans decided their boundary while the day of the dinosaur dawned and died on its own and of course finally, a whole lot of monkeys kept working on their expressions and movement till one fine day ...Ta da... here stands me!! No plans, No work....just plain abracadabra... wild imagination indeed!

How I wish meals appeared on my dining table the same way. My family sit at the table..and Ooh la la.. there appears choicest dishes...Quite alike the monkey transformation, with time the bread on my table takes the form of chocolate gateaux !! How are man and monkey different? Sounds to me more like, the bread thinking I could have been a cake. And man thinks he could have been a monkey except for some processing difference along the way that just so happened.

Why did I begin with the house? I believe I am planned into existence by God. Why the galaxy, the dinosaur and monkey? Just that I stand in awe of Gods amazing wisdom in creation. What’s with the bread and cake difference? Ah, that’s to let you know that my great grandfather was definitely not a monkey. As much as monkeys humour me, I don’t wonder why I am on the other side of the fence. I am planned, unique and special! And so are you !!                                                       

The End from the Beginning

Do you wonder about the end of your life? How would you like to read the last page of your 'life story'?

Joseph is an all time favourite Sunday school character! The dreamer is Father's favourite son and is gifted a coat of many colours (the symbol of position and privilege in his father's eyes). His jealous brothers rip his coat (their eyes grew sore at the colours :-), sell him as a slave and lie to their father that Joseph is dead. Later a trustworthy slave Joseph is falsely accused and thrown in prison. Through a miraculous interpretation of dreams he becomes the prime-minister of Egypt. Joseph sounds like a modern day Rag to Riches, prisoner to prime-minister story!

Though I am deeply pained, I cannot fully fathom the depth of Joseph's heartache - physical and mental separation from all near and dear, far from the father who loved him dearly. Knowing the whole saga of his life from the bible, how I wish I could have encouraged Joseph along life's journey. If I could have, this is what I would have said,

Oh Joseph, dear Joseph

1) Though human hands can snatch away all that your father has provided, no human hands dare seize your heavenly fathers' provision!
2) When you are broken and your pride all stripped away, you can find rest in God. And underneath are the everlasting arms.
3) Your justification may fail before the enemy's accusation.There may not be one to plead your case. Don’t grow weary; your judge is on the throne! Though His judgements may seem to tarry, they are forever sure!
4) Life has stacked its odds against you, but the verdict is not final. Wait till you hear from the Righteous Judge!
5) When foes surround and family and friends desert, God’s eyes follow you to forever. You are never really alone. Immanuel keeps you company in prison pits!
6) In God’s hands, you can safely lay to rest all that you lost and every dream that you dreamt. Be assured they will resurrect beautifully in God's way and in his time.
7) When God has worked in you the fruit of his spirit (his love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self control), the Joseph you once were, you will recognize no more! Your character will then glorify God in the very position and privilege he has placed you.

Oh Joseph, how I wish you could have seen the end from the beginning... maybe it would have spurred you on or no, probably the very thought of all that lay ahead would have been traumatic for you !

God in his wisdom does not reveal to us life's hurdles. The Alpha and Omega knows very well the end of our life from its beginning. As Jeremiah says, God knows the plans he has for us, plans to prosper us and not harm us, plans to give us a hope and a future.
Oft times we are weary of trials and grow faint, yet God has assured us his strength for every step. Rest confident that the God of Joseph will not fail you!! Your end, in him is secure !

Reasons I enjoy this Season !

There is a newness I feel about November! I think it has got to do with the anticipation of December. I love December with all its frills and thrills of the season! The caring and sharing season...
Care to let me share the reasons I enjoy this season?

Ho! Ho! Ho! It’s Christmas Time..
Winter wonderland woos my senses! I like the chill of winter. I dream of being cosy by the fire with snow falling outside my window! You get the idea that I like snow and that is fine with me as long as it snows only in my dreams! December in Delhi (6 Degrees Celsius) is snowy enough for me - I am no tundra person - I am hard core tropical!).The romantic in me sings 'Let it snow, Let it snow, Let it snow!’ I just heard you call me Hypocrite! With all the joy of this post, I can’t help but forgive you! ;-) After all, Christmas is special in December!

That brings me to the next reason - Family! December is the time we get together as a family. I must say 'try' to get together! My ancient heart values those timeless traditions of family during the season! It’s chilling out with family time! As much as I look forward to creating the 'Lloyd' family traditions, we still wish our parents were in the same town. We could then lunch and dinner at both our parent's homes!

Family rings in those Celebrations! It’s Ding dong carolling time! December is a time for Merriness (that word spells odd). In other words, its God bless you Merry Gentlemen time! The Christmas tree, the star, the bells, the nativity set complete with the baby in the manger, Mary, Joseph, the three kings, the shepherds and those animals eating hay! How can we forget to deck the Halls with boughs of Holly! Those Gifts of the 12 days of Christmas! Oh Christmas tree, I can go on but let me get way...

Having been away from family at Christmas, I have felt the wintry chill of loneliness grab my heart with icy fingers! With no family or celebrations to warm my heart, I was tempted to succumb to the hibernation of senses to numb me! My heart in deep contemplation transported me to the times I have been lonely even in the midst of family and celebration! All the merriness did nothing to warm my heart. It took me that mind, heart and soul desperate year to stumble upon the treasure chest! The 'Real Reason for the Season' - Jesus! As much as I love the nativity scene, I am not talking about the baby lying there! Jesus makes all the difference! He warms up my heart !

I really hope the gravity of what I am about to say sets you spirit free.
It is celebration whenever and wherever God's love, his peace, his joy and hope reach you!
That can happen anytime, every time, anywhere and everywhere! All you need to do is receive it ....

Christmas in my heart all year through! It's 'Joy to the World' everyday!

Making of a Merry Marriage

We spend a big chunk of our life studying, preparing for a career. Sad to say though, we hardly prepare for marriage! And if we did prepare, do we make a conscious effort to continually 'Learn' about being a better spouse?

Lloyd and myself enjoy attending marriage seminars/retreats. Unfortunately, nothing of that sort exists in the Christian community here in Muscat, Oman. Hence, we look forward to our vacation in India, for such events. And if there are no events then, we take two days to be by ourselves at Cornerstone (Scripture Union campsite) in Mahabalipuram. It is a kind of yearly ritual for us.

Cornerstone brings me to Rod and Ruthie Gilbert, the reason for this post! When I first heard of them, I had reservations on how they could relate to an Indian context of marriage. Having lived a large part of their lives in India, and finally having heard them in person, I admit they relate very well indeed. Rod and Ruthie have co-authored a wonderful book - 'Marriage Masala'.
We had the awesome privilege of attending a one-day marriage seminar by them, here in Muscat. God is good! He sends Streams in the Desert.

As I 'Googled' Rod and Ruthie Gilbert, in order to add a hyperlink to this post, I came upon this wonderful blog post by Andy, from Oman - Andy in Oman. He has covered the seminar extremely well with pictures of the self-explanatory PowerPoint too. A picture is worth a thousand words. Go ahead, follow the link and read the post!

Key Learning’s -
Marriage is a Lifelong Learner's Licence

Learn to
- Love - Ask God to teach you, to communicate love to your spouse. 5 love languages by Gary Chapman.
- Lighten each other's Load - Know the loads that occupy your partner's brain space!
- Look at each other -Gaze into each other’s eyes daily for at least 10 seconds - like when you first got married :-)

Model for Marriage - Christ !
Men - Ephesians 5 v 25
Love your wife as Christ loved the Church. Christ loved the church with sacrificial love and adorned her with unmerited favour - Grace. Love my wife the same way!

Women - Ephesians 5 v 22
Submit to your husband as to the Lord. How would I treat Jesus? Treat my husband in the same manner!

The Umbrella explanation for Submission.
For some 'Submission' is a bitter pill. God bestows a woman, freedom in submission. While the husband bears the headship responsibility before God, the wife is freed to serve alongside her husband.
Biblical Submission has nothing to do with being a Slave; rather it is synonymous to ‘Service with a smile'.

Not my will but thine be done.

What I wanted to become and still occasionally dream of, is story for another day. But one thing I definitely didn’t want, was to become an Engineer! Nevertheless, I prayed dutifully - Not my will Lord, but thine be done. There something about God I don't understand. He takes me very seriously on lines of prayer, that I don’t really mean. After 12th just when life was all about broken dreams, I landed in the college I didn’t like, doing just what I didn’t want- Engineering. Four years later the tide had turned. I had the time of my life doing just that, being just there! Disguised blessings - that’s what my life seems all about.

Final year was a whirlwind with project submission and campus placements. Six months before final exams, I secured Campus placement (read Job) in a Software company. Now here's the joke - I did Electronics and Communication Engineering simply because I hated "Computer/Software Engineering.".The Job was indeed a bad joke but I laughed and accepted life- lemons and all! My motto, "Not my will but thine be done.”

The first day at office required me to sign a service bond of 2 years in return for all the training that I would receive. I needed to have a guarantor co-sign the bond agreeing to pay the amount of 2 lakh rupees, in case I defaulted. For some reason I didn’t receive the email nor the postal intimation of the same. I was in Muscat when a friend informed the date of joining. My return, cut short the trip and mummy’s hopes of gathering her chick back into the nest. With an aching heart, I whispered, 'Not my will but thine be done'.

There I was, on reporting day now but without a guarantor. The HR and legal department were mad at the campus recruits (4 of us) who couldn’t follow orders! Imagine flouting the rules on the very first day. At the first break from the angry tirade, I ran to the toilet and locked myself. To the thunderous accompaniment of running water, I poured my heart to God. All I wanted to do was leave, never to return. Yet, my heart uttered from its deepest recesses - 'Lord not my will but thine be done'. There is something about toilets, tears and triumph, but that’s for later! When I returned, the higher ups seemed kinder and suggested I bring a local guardian or parent within 2 days. My relative in Chennai signed the bond the very next day.
3 years and many awards later, I was selected as a 'Konark' - Mentor in the organization. I was the youngest Konark to be selected- a rare honour! And God saw the girl shedding hidden tears now shedding tears of joy!

I wonder if you know what it is like to tell God 'All' your desires. A long list of your dreams, hopes and plans. Then the last line you add before the Amen, almost as an afterthought - 'Nevertheless Lord, Not my will but thine be done'. From life's experiences I like to think - The good Lord didn’t hear any of the lines I prayed except the last one. On the dot of the last line, a bell rings in heaven placing Leena's order request for her situation- "God's will". And needless to say, the answer dispatched is often just what I had hoped wouldn’t happen. Nonetheless, I must add I always rejoice when I reminisce the ways God has led me. His will has never failed to be the best, even when it hurt to accept it.
There are a million times it may seem like God answered prayers just the way I'd like it. But for all those "Differentially answered” prayers, I believe Romans 8v28 - And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who^[a] have been called according to his purpose.

Lets pray to the Father like Jesus taught - "Thy will be done on earth as it is in heaven".

Worth Sharing !

I have lived this poem so many times ....am sure it will touch you too !

Let Go and Let God

As children bring their broken toys
with tears for us to mend,
I brought my broken dreams to God
because he was my friend.

But then, instead of leaving him
in peace, to work alone;
I hung around and tried to help,
with ways that were my own.

Atlast, I snatched them back and cried,
"How could you be so slow?"
"My child" he said, "What could I do?
You never did let go"

 -Lauretta P. Burns